I yawned and glanced at the clock, slowly ticking above the mantelpiece: one-thirty in the afternoon.
‘Much too early to be awake,’ I grumbled to myself. With a sigh, I slid the tape into the VHS player and stood back from the TV as the static took shape.
‘Oh, hi there!’ came a greeting from a chipper blonde American woman in a spandex leotard and leg warmers. ‘My name is Candy! Did you want to join in on our class this morning?!’
I grunted and scratched my belly button.
‘I can’t hear you!’ Candy giggled, cupping a hand to her ear.
I didn’t even bother to grunt this time.
‘That’s better!’ she laughed. ‘Okay, girls – let’s get in formation!’
A troupe of similarly-dressed women bundled onto the set behind her, taking up their positions.
‘Let’s start with some quick stretches!’ Candy instructed, and began to bend sideways at the waist.
‘Should have just bought some quality home gym equipment,’ I grumbled to myself, bending like she was showing me.
‘Alright!’ Candy clapped, jumping to her feet after a stretch I hadn’t even come close to replicating. ‘Let’s get some music going in here!’
As if by magic (a PA hit a button somewhere) loud synth music began to blare into her gym and my condo. She responded as if she was hypnotised, her legs suddenly picking themselves up and twisting from side to side, as she stared straight down the barrel of the camera. It was only when I saw the women behind her start to do it that I realised it was the first routine.
‘You don’t need any of that affordable home fitness equipment, Australia!’ she laughed, as her legs swung wildly beneath her. ‘Your body is your best piece of equipment – as well as your VCR!’
The whole room laughed behind her, and I frowned. It was starting to feel a bit—
‘Praise the alien microbes that give our blood its strength!’ Candy crowed, putting her hands in the air. ‘It’s through them that we—’
I ejected the tape with a sigh.